The opportunity to talk with a partner frankly about his desires and needs strengthens the relationship. But it is not easy to do this: we are afraid that the partner will perceive the expressed desires as a claim. How to diversify sexual life without touching each other, psychotherapist Esther Perel and psychologist-sexologist Galina Dmitrieva tell.
I came to me a client, Marie, 35 years old. “We have been married for six years, everything is fine in bed, but very trite. Frankly, I was very excited by the book “Fifty Shades of Gray”, and I would like to try something new, but this idea scares my husband. In any case, every time I speak on this topic, everything ends with a quarrel, ”she complains.
Marie says that at the time of meeting her husband Dan, she had much more sexual experience:
“I made a mistake – told him how many men slept with. In my opinion, because of this he feels uncertainly. How can I fix everything, so that we finally revive our sex life?”
Long before the release of the sensational books and the film, many couples with similar problems addressed me.
A striking example: she is trying to tell a partner about her desires, but it sounds like a requirement or critic, and he would not prevent him from becoming more open to her requests, to learn how to hear them from a position of love and care, and not control.
She complains: “I tried to tell him, but he does not hear me. I do everything he likes – how many times I will have to ask to get what I want? It seems to him anyway “.
To which the partner usually replies: “When I do something that she does not like, she reacts with aggression. No matter what I do – everything is bad for her “. Common situation?
To begin with, Marie should discuss with her husband their life together over the past six years, to talk about how they both changed and grew up, how their connection was strong and the relationship developed, not only sexy.
The conversation about her desires Marie could start with the question of what her husband wants: does he want to receive something else from her in sex?
You can discuss what Dan thinks about diversifying their sex life: it seems to him that it will come out of this? What is the worst or good can happen?
If the husband reminds of her past sexual experience, Marie can emphasize that Marriage with him is her choice, and sex is only one of the aspects of relations.
Most likely, Dan is worried about whether he is good enough in bed, and therefore perceives any feedback as criticism. This is characteristic of many men.
It is important not only to give feedback, but also to do it right. When you try something new together, you are both equally inexperienced.
Remember this and try to approach the experiments in bed as a sexual game.
Marie, like many women, tends to think that a man understands the erotic needs of his partner without words. But often women themselves cannot fully understand their own fantasies.
Discuss with your partner what exactly excites you, and start changing your sex life step by step.
“It is important to choose the right moment and approach”
Galina Dmitrieva, psychologist-sexologist, expert of the leading network for women training sexual techniques “Training Center” Sex.RF “
Discussion of sexual needs outside of sex, behind the conditional “negotiating table”, which Esther Perel proposes, is the most difficult path that requires maximum maturity, openness, as well as the acceptance and awareness of their sexual desires.
For most Russian couples, this option is poorly realistic due to the fact that the theme of sex in Russia has long been taboo, and so far for many people are “indecent”.
Therefore, for unprepared couples, it is easiest to voice sexual desires at the moment when both partners are excited and ready for sex. Then they are perceived as a proposal, and not as an offensive remark or discontent.
The actions themselves depend on what the couple decided to diversify their sex. It can be toys and electronic sex gangs, intimate cosmetics, new types of sex and technology, costumes and linen, but there may be just poses and rhythm.
In each case, you need its own approach so as not to scare and not to embarrass the partner with sexual innovations.
For example, each of our training has a theoretical part where the sexologist tells how to present one or another new technique or game. There are even a whole classification of men developed by our specialists in the character warehouse and the degree of readiness for one or another sexual experiments.
Another common rule is to use when voicing your desires exclusively “I-rescuing”, which focuses on your sensations, and not on a claim to a partner.
For example, instead of “I don’t like how you move, you need to say more slowly” I need to say “I want to feel
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how you slowly move in me, this is such a high”.
Do not also forget about enthusiasm in the voice. If your eyes are “burning” and you say “let’s try”, and not “I don’t like it”, then the partner will not have the feeling that you are unhappy with them. So, he will not “close”.
If you are afraid to invite your partner to try something new in bed on a regular day, feel free to confuse the Sex Apple on Valentine’s Day, the anniversary of your first kiss or any other “personal” holiday.
